Mad Ravings of a Sick Computer 

By Angie Brennan 

My computer has come down with a nasty case of the flu. Where it picked up the virus I'll probably never know, but now it suffers frequent chills and freezes and has to be rebooted. If that weren’t enough, it also developed a growing rash of error messages ranging from simple nagging to dark conspiracy.

Not long after it got sick, pop-up messages began to appear informing me that the Multimedia Encyclopedia CD was not in the disk drive. This really wasn’t news to me, since the thing has been missing for nearly two years. What’s more, I’ve long since stopped wondering where it might be. The computer, I’m sorry to say, has not. It searches for that CD with disheartening regularity and is surprised each and every time it comes up empty. I just wish it would learn to be content with Virtual Billiards instead. I suppose it thinks I’d be better off learning about Henry VI or about major developments in neuroscience than in perfecting a cue ball spin. To each his own, is what I say. 

After that, more ominous warnings began to appear. One message tersely informed me that a certain G32AF.DLL file was missing. It offered no explanations, no apologies, and no suggestions of how to get it back. Where did it go and why?  

But the most disturbing message by far is one that simply asks: “Lie to WINACHIF.SYS?” The first time this question appeared, I struggled with the ethical dilemma my computer was forcing on me. I couldn’t begin to guess what a WINACHIF.SYS was, much less know whether I was prepared to lie to it. Was the computer proposing one of those courtesy fibs one tells to avoid hurt feelings? Perhaps it simply wanted to say, “No, no, WINA, you don’t look like you haven’t been upgraded in over five years. Seriously, for a minute there I thought you’d just been installed!” If that’s all it is, well and good. 

But what if the computer was suggesting a more sinister lie? “Hey, WINA,” it might say, “I’ll let you in on a great investment opportunity. Guaranteed 40 percent return. We gotta keep this thing quiet, though, so I wouldn’t let the USB port in on it.” 

After hesitating and looking once or twice over my shoulder, I gave it the OK to lie. At any rate, I didn’t have much choice.  

With each passing day, it’s become easier to participate in this little deception. In fact, I’d probably let it lie to whatever component it wants, if only that will keep its fevered mind off the encyclopedia.

I don’t like to think what will happen when WINA finally discovers the truth…but no time to worry about that now. I’ve got to concentrate on getting the eight ball in the corner pocket.

~~~~~~~~Angie Brennan is a humor writer and illustrator from Gambrills. Visit her website at http://www.angiebrennan.com